TERRORISM GIVEN A BAD RAP, EXPERT SAYS

The State Department, in its annual report on global terrorism, says the number of terror attacks declined sharply last year due to increased international cooperation and resolve.  Most would consider that a good thing.  But that is exactly what they want us to think, claims Ah-Sayeed Moammar Muhammad, director of the little-known “Give Terrorism A Chance” network.   Muhammad is a respected expert among fundamentalist Muslim clerics, and specializes in the evils of the West.  His books include, “We Hate Them and There’s Nothing They Can Do About It”, “We Hate You and There’s Nothing You Can Do About It, so Stop Whining and Blow Up Already”, and “We Hate Them:  Terrorism, Killing Americans and Jews, and the Golden Age of Peace.”

The State Department says there were 199 terrorist attacks last year, a 44 percent drop from 2001 and the lowest figure in more than 30 years.

“Look at the results,” explains Muhammad.  “Are we happy?  We have the largest drop of what they label terrorism, and yet I see the pain on people’s faces.  Tell the toddler who has lost a dog to a speeding car that the world is a safer place.  Explain to the widow, whose husband was tragically killed in a sky-diving accident that she is better off this year than last year.  It is obvious that we need more terrorism.  The aggressor United States has been feeding its people lies with all of this ‘Terrorism is bad’ nonsense.  It is a conspiracy against us terrorists who simply want to make the world a better place.”

The past year's most deadly single attack was the car bombing last September in a tourist area of Bali, Indonesia that killed more than 200 people.   When asked if Bali was better off due to this incident, he was adamant that they were.  “Bali has seen a substantial drop in the influx of saboteurs from the hedonists of the United States and the hedonist’s allies, the Australians.  Terrorism has proven to be a great boon to the moral integrity of Bali and has been good for the environment.  I hear that candy bar sales have gone through the roof, although that could be a coincidence.”   When asked if this was enough, Sayeed wavered, “It is certainly a most positive development.  But I think a couple more incidents are in order, Allah willing.”

Introducing the report at a news conference, Secretary of State Colin Powell said increased vigilance, international cooperation and U.N. financial sanctions created after the September 11 attacks are definitely making life more difficult for terrorist factions.

"They say that breaking up is hard to do.  But, like AT&T in the 1980s, we have seen the terrorists deregulated," declared Colin Powell, to jovial laughter at his own wit.  Powell expects that Iraq will soon be removed from the list of states that sponsor terrorism.  

Sayeed scoffs at the notion that Iraq was ever a reliable sponsor.  “Saddam Hussein, for all his bluster, was a coward when it came to promoting this righteous cause,” proclaimed Mr. Muhammad.  We begged him to acknowledge in a public manner, the inherent goodness of terrorism.  Sure, he’d hand a suicide bomber’s family a few thousand dollars, but how does that advertise our cause?  He denied the existence of his own training camps, leading us to believe he was either ashamed of his activity or afraid to publicly acknowledge it.  By the help of God, we are currently working with a cola company in Syria, and hope they are a fine promoter of our cause.  We believe we can land a deal with Rafia Al-Shamir Muhammad Mohammad El Shira.  She is an up and comer in the Syrian entertainment industry.  You know your Britney Spears?  Miss Rafia is a little hottie that makes Miss Spears look like a lizard.  An American lizard.”