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St. Louis, Missouri – In a shocking scene a residential neighborhood, witnesses were shocked to see Elizabeth Granger, a 30 year old housewife with two small children, handcuffed and escorted to a waiting police vehicle. According to Jayne Mattero, director of social services, this is the first step in a city-wide crackdown. “This really has been going on long enough,” claimed Mattero. “This whole situation just sickened everybody at the office. We hope she goes away for a long time.”
Mrs. Granger is charged with two counts of child abuse, stemming from her refusal to provide her daughters, aged 3 and 5, with a proper scrapbook. According to Mattero, “We all know that it is the best for a child’s self-esteem and self-image to have a nice scrapbook. There are special scissors available at very low cost to cut matting and framing in a decorative way. Some people use those little bubbles to make it look like your child is saying something cute.” Mrs. Granger was warned over a year ago that her scrapbooking was not up to par. It was first reported by a concerned neighbor, who noticed Granger’s lack of concern for her child’s scrapbook.
“I really couldn’t believe it,” said her neighbor, who preferred to remain anonymous. “She had all her pictures just crammed into one of those old picture books. It didn’t even have separate slots for each picture. It was just that sticky page and a plastic sheet. I mean, what way is that to preserve your child’s memories?”
Other neighbors were equally as shocked. Said Rachel Shuman, herself a mother of a two year old son, “It’s unbelievable. You think you know people, and then… I just don’t know what to believe anymore.” When asked if she had a suitable scrapbook, she replied “Oh, yes! Just this morning I finished page six of my son’s tykewando class pictures! I matted it with just the cutest frame with a bunch of Japanese suns. I used a special scissors that carved out squiggly lines. Would you like to see it?”
When asked if we could expect to see further arrests, Mattero was noncommittal. “I would hope that those parents out there who do not realize how important a nice scrapbook is will now take notice. We’re not going to sweep the city, or anything, but we will investigate tips from relatives and neighbors if we think there are grounds.”
Granger will probably not face prison time, since this is her first arrest. However, she will likely face a stiff fine and will have to enroll in a scrapbooking course. It is likely that social services will make random visits over the next two years to ensure that she is scrapbooking appropriately.
And if she doesn’t? “”Hopefully for her and the children, that’s a bridge we won’t have to cross,” Mattero responded.
For more information on how to scrapbook, refer to your local yellow pages, or visit the craft section of your local department store.