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Some Cave, Afghanistan – It has been reported that members of the CIA and NSA were reportedly left “shocked and speechless” on Easter Sunday - and an Al-Qaida lieutenant apparently didn’t have much to say either. This, after the most wanted man in the world – Osama bin Laden – was heard accidentally uttering the Arabic words “عيد الفصح السّعيد,” which is “Happy Easter” in English.
According to reports, the individuals on the receiving end of the greeting were Al-Qaida members who stopped dead in their tracks upon hearing their leader’s words. There was a hesitation followed by “Um… just kidding.”
The CIA has been monitoring radio frequencies used by bin Laden for some time, but the Islamic fundamentalist has stayed one step ahead of intelligence units. Every time they have determined the location of the signals they are tracking, the military has been informed. “We have reacted immediately to four different situations,” stated Colonel Jonathan Fiurkus, currently stationed in Afghanistan. “But each time we raid the location, there is nothing left but a mock American Flag with the words ‘Death to America!’ painted on it. It has been frustrating. Although, the last cave we raided did have a stash of Cuban cigars and a box of Twinkies, so all was not lost.”
The Taliban could not be reached for comment regarding bin Laden’s comment. But Mohammed Muhammad, an Al-Qaida sympathizer who now owns a straw shop in Southern Afghanistan refused to believe the story. “He would not have said those words. It is the mother of all lies from your American government. Allah will defeat your President and kill your country.” When it was suggested that the CIA recorded the exchange, he was more adamant. “It is lie! It is not difficult to sound much like the holy bin Laden. Here, let me give you my own impression: ‘Kill Jews and Americans and you will be rewarded by Allah!’ See? You can tell no difference, no?” As an aside, the nacho news could most certainly tell the difference. For one thing, he had a lisp and also a nasally tone about him that just did not inspire.
The CIA refused comment on the story, and when we contacted the NSA, they refused to admit there was an NSA. When asked why they answered the phone “NSA Headquarters,” they claimed that they did not recall how they answered the phone, and nacho news if we were interested in a new computer system.