KILLER ASTEROID ON CRASH COURSE TOWARDS EARTH

April 8, 2002

NASA – In a stunning series of events, scientists at NASA headquarters in Florida held an emergency meeting on Sunday to discuss preparations for an alarming discovery – an asteroid over half a mile wide, on a torrid path of destruction, heading directly towards Earth!

Details are still sketchy, but all indications are that there is over a 0.3% chance that the mammoth rock will plunge into our home planet in less than 879 years.  The implications are staggering!

“Life as we know it would cease to exist,” explained NASA scientist Ron Finkelstein. “You can say goodbye to the current luxuries we have, such as water and food.  Fortunately, we have a few years to plan a course of action.”

When asked if there were any plans in the works, he responded negatively. “This can’t just be a fly-by-night operation.  There is much we need to consider.  Even now, we have our entire staff watching ‘Armageddon’ and ‘Deep Impact’ around the clock.  We are also in the process of requesting the mini-series ‘Asteroid’ on DVD.  We have decided not to utilize ‘Night of the Comet.’”  ‘Armageddon’ is a science fiction movie where a character played by Bruce Willis leads a team of overweight oil-drillers to an approaching asteroid and, in a surprising plot-twist, when all seemed lost they managed to blow up the asteroid and save the world.  “That seems to be the approach we are currently leaning towards,” explained an exhausted Finkelstein.

The name given to the asteroid is 1950 DA.  When asked how the object received its moniker, Finkelstein refused to answer.  It has since been learned from an anonymous source that the name was intended to be “Cher.”  But a Cher fan on staff protested that it could be considered unflattering to the pop superstar to have the rock that could end all civilization named after her.  It was finally decided to name the astronomical giant “1950 AD,”  which is the birthdate of the scientist who originally discovered it.  But, an atheist on staff objected, claiming that “AD” is offensive, because it is associated with the coming of Christ.  After three days of sessions, the naming team finally emerged with the current compromise.

Despite the potentially horrific consequences of this impending doom, Finkelstein was upbeat.  “This is a big opportunity.  The way I look at it, we can’t lose.  If we manage to defeat this thing, all future generations will consider us geniuses who saved the world.  If we fail, there will be no future generations, so it doesn’t really matter.”  When pointed out that he was speaking in terms like “us” for an event that was centuries away, he retorted “It’s that kind of attitude that we just don’t need.  Please, now, everyone.  Let’s hold hands and hum softly and emit positive transcendent energy into the universe.  If we all do this every day for the next five centuries, I believe we may be able to mentally divert the path of the asteroid into something less important, such as Uranus.”